Praying Continually

I feel like my world is crazy at times with all that is going on. It has calmed down since I finished my last class before my year break to have the girls. I cannot tell you how great it is to not dread papers on weekends. Hello friends, I am now free to mingle :)

Prayer has been something on my mind lately and how to pray continually without disappointment or realizing that maybe there is an answer but it won't be right away. Sometimes I tend to ask for things that seem ridiculous. For example, when I found out I may actually be pregnant I prayed over the test that it be a miracle...a miracle because if I was going to be pregnant again I needed the timing to be right before Logan left the army. I laughed pretty hard when I found out it was twins, after I got over the shock of course.


I have had a lot of emotions with prayer and I am trying to remember it is not my plan, it's God's. That's tough for a planner like me. I am getting there though :)


Just to document what's going on with the pregnancy this past week I kept having contractions, as I usually do after work. However, they wouldn't stop this time so we put Ben to bed, called a friend and headed to labor and delivery. They hooked me up which made me feel ridiculous, I thought one heart monitor was uncomfortable, two is just insane. Then they add the one for the contractions. Well I was having contractions every 5-7 minutes for a little bit but they slowed and weren't as painful then stopped. They did a few more things to test if I would actually be giving birth in the next two weeks (crazy they have a test for that?) then gave me a few options. I declined most and at that point I felt comfortable going home and resting for the next few days. I guess that was a long story for a false alarm, but a reminder that my body cannot handle the usual things I do all the time.

That is the hardest part of pregnancy for me, physically and emotionally not being the same as "normal"

I am looking forward to my baby shower coming up and am so blessed to have a friend that offered to throw one for me! I was and am way too excited. It just feels good to feel appreciated and loved.

Other than pregnancy my beautifully spirited/stubborn two year old son has decided eating is for the birds...mainly living on fruits and hotdogs...just reminding me the things they don't tell you as a sweet pregnant lady for the first time. I somehow knew to sit down for meals for family time but had no idea how much of a battle it would be with a screaming toddler. I did learn this week that Dicks sporting goods store has an awesome Ben-sized track that will wear him out (because he automatically knew to run it!) and result in a great nights sleep. Keeping that one in my back pocket. Well I think that is all for now, hope you all have a blessed week!

My Girls

So I thought I was really clever making a hashtag #mygirls on instagram for all things twins. Logan then informed me after clicking on it the pictures were mostly college sorority girls. We will just over look that little flaw in the 'tag'

I did want to update since finding out it's two GIRLS! How things are going...

This pregnancy has been so different than the first for more reasons than one. Not just the fact that I have a toddler to chase and a husband home/not deployed. I also mentally am in a different state. I am much more "into" the whole process of the birth. With twins some automatically think c-section (which I may have to have) but there are options. It is a scary thing to fall into but I am thankful for the "least risk" as far as twins go.

I start interviewing doulas this week and oh my, where do I even start? I feel like last time I just thought whatever happens happens and that is that. Although I had a great experience (I mean as great as pushing a baby out can be) Looking back there are things I should've known or said.

My attitude is a lot better as far as pain goes this time around. I did have a rough first trimester losing around 20lbs so at this point anything is better than going through that. I just feel like once you become a mom the little things are just...little. For example, sitting in a prenatal yoga class listening to first time pregnant moms about their worries and fears I just thought to myself "oh honey, you have no idea" I do miss that stage of innocence, I guess you could call it. Don't get me wrong being a mom is amazing but its also exhausting and if I could go back to my first pregnant self I would say "You enjoy the endless netflix and sleeping in. Bored, great...it may be the last time you say that for awhile."

Other things that will be different...we are keeping the names a secret. That's right mom no hints no nothing! I love names and this will more than likely be my last pregnancy so we are having fun with it.

All good things come in pairs...

So the news it out, ITS TWINS! That's right, I'm pregnant again and it is twins, not one baby but two. At first I about passed out, that is no exaggeration the ultrasound tech was fanning me. Now I am extremely excited but nervous, so I wanted to document these early feelings to look back on, and of course you are along for the crazy ride too.

Things I am nervous about:
Double strollers
Feeding two infants
How will I have enough love for three kids?
Loosing me hair (jk, but not really its already gray)
Having no friends

Things I am excited about:
I always wanted three kids
One might be a girl!
I get to be a stay at home mom
The potential BFF's
Not being pregnant again after this...


So I think the biggest challenge is being as excited and paying as much attention as I did to Ben when I was pregnant. I love Pinteresting cute pictures and I have already booked maternity pictures which I thought I'd never do. I am disappointed in some peoples reaction to doing a baby shower, I feel like no matter the number the baby is they should be celebrated! Maybe we will throw ourselves a bbq or something just to celebrate. I try not to get caught up in what other people think but it is hard sometimes.
The second pregnancy is so different, especially with my first being able to stay home and not work. The best way I can sum up the difference is first pregnancy=sleep second pregnancy=no sleep. I woke up this morning to my son jamming his car into my head, thats when you know reality hits you. Also taking care of a toddler while pregnant is not for the faint. I think moms have a permanent target for puke on them, I mean really Logan has never gotten the full force puke fest on him before.

Other random thoughts:
They predicted one boy and one girl which is my absolute dream. I already have a feeling that the boy will be the most chill out of the three and the little girl will be wrapped around daddy's finger. I am beyond excited that they are di/di twins meaning they have their own sacs and placentas (if you don't know much about twins look up mono/di, di/di and mo/mo twins, its interesting). Meaning I will also get to keep my midwife and hopefully have a more natural approach to birth. Oh birth...that's another blog entirely.

Through this whole experience I think my  biggest comfort as it usually is, is humor. You have to laugh and marvel at the fact that I never saw twins coming!

Feelings

SO feelings are never a great subject with me, I'm better at writing them down and thought this was a good time to do so. Especially since I almost cried when the Starbucks man asked how my day was going today.

Showing a house is stressful. SO STRESSFUL. I try not to stress but let me tell you when you have a one year old who undoes everything you just did it is hard to rearrange your day for a stranger. Then when those strangers come into your home and leave not giving much feedback at all or being picky about things it is super stressful. It makes me want to just yell "MY KID DIDNT NAP TODAY!" or "MY HOME IS BEAUTIFUL" I pray a lot but I've always had a problem letting go and not worrying. It's day by day I suppose.

I guess the real thing that is bothering me is that I love my house but the town I am in is so lonely at times. Everyone has their problems I get that but I feel like I give and have no return a lot. Friendship I guess you would call it? So I am extremely guarded now and it is hard for me to ask for help here in Georgia. Actually I wouldn't even know who to ask. I am beyond ready to move back home where I know I want to build a life and I know I have people there that love me. It's a hard place to be, glad I have Logan and I guess I need to prepare myself better for the weeks that he working long days.

I guess if you are reading this I need prayers! Lots of them. For feelings of loneliness and for our house to sell!

P.S. I just told the Starbucks guy thank you and have a nice day, no real tears!

Time

My first job was when I was 14 working in the kitchen of a summer camp, because I wasn't old enough to be a counselor.  I was blessed with parents that showed me a good work ethic and continued to hold a job until I was pregnant with Ben. As many people know it was right after I resigned from my teaching job to come to Georgia. I have to say Best. Decision. Of. My. Life. Having that break allowed me time, time to heal from my father's passing, time to be a wife, time to think about what I wanted in the future. Although sometimes I think it was too much time (a lot of netflix too) I am now realizing how much of it I lack these days. 

There is a point you reach when you become a parent when you realize things are never going to slow down. It's full speed ahead from here, forget sleep, no time for that. So the moments that I do get to "slow down" or just "take a breath" even if it won't last long. I do it now. I take full advantage. This past Monday I didn't have a vehicle. Which I see now is a blessing because I had a full day of errands and things to be done. Instead I stayed inside and just played with Ben (although I did get some school things done). But I forgot how good it was to feel as if we had all the time in the world just to be silly and have fun.  

Here is Ben showing his "masterpiece" which primarily was him taking the cap on and off the marker but you know, it was a blast (he thinks there's no time for pants...).

Having a toddler has made me stop and look at life the way I used to, to look at things the way he sees them. Remember a time when we loved to play simply? I love watching him play with his cars...taking the time to enjoy these moments is a lesson I am learning daily. Knowing when to stop for the things that matter and not to let the clock run our schedule. 

One last picture, because why not? I know time with loved ones is not replaced and that is ever so important for me to drop everything for those I love. Here is a picture from when my mom was here, we went to the aquarium and it was a blast. 

Teacher things

So as many of my friends and fam know I am teaching preschool at the moment. Which if you had asked me about four years ago I would've laughed at the thought. It wasn't until after I had my son that I had the passion for those younger than kindergarten. The more I read about early childhood education the more I am beyond passionate about teaching.
Here's the thing, when you are in preschool it's not just about the colors, letters, shapes. It's about the people too. It's about manners, and sharing and singing and learning to love learning. These are fundamentals I believe are becoming lost in our schools replaced by standards and "academic readiness."

We are loosing our kids to test scores...

It is my dream to open a daycare/preschool. In that dream I see a house, one with character, where when you walk inside you feel at home. Pictures of the children's families hang on the wall and you are greeted with a hug (my first week teaching kindergarten I was told to be careful hugging kids, erg). I want you to feel as if you have just left your child with an extended family member. Someone who is going to love them for who they are and foster who they are becoming. I want a place where I would send my son. No worksheets, just learning through play. We have forgotten how to play and explore in school. I want to bring that back and it starts with the young ones!

Alright, those are my thoughts for now :)

xoxo Laura

Thoughts and more thoughts

Do you ever have those moments when you have a million thoughts and you feel as if you don't organize them in some fashion you will explode...okay maybe it's just me but that's how i feel tonight.

I've been so "busy" lately with work, school, mom/wife life that I have given up on some things that I so treasured and that has been hard for me. Is this why so many people are grumpy these days? (don't worry I didn't give up my coffee).

Tonight I said goodnight to logan and took time to read my devotional and Bible which I have to confess I have been slacking. Which got me thinking I have so many distractions that I have let get in the way. I really do need to make time and cut out the excuses.

I miss having my weekly bible study and now I truly understand the mom at church complaining about the 10 a.m. women's group. I feel as though I'm slowly beginning to see that divide of working moms vs. stay-at-home moms [It's totally cool you obsess over what kind of food you feed your kid while I'm over here just hoping to get a home cooked meal on the table] Kudos to you mom (denise) I get it now. Don't get me wrong I think it is awesome that mom's can stay-at-home and I wish I was one of them, but I know if I want my kids to go to college (or put a decent roof over our heads) I'm going to have to put my college degree to good use.

So onto the next random thought...the house went on the market last week well (5) days ago. WHAT?! okay I just got over the fact that we were home owners and now we are selling our first home. I have had a total failure in letting go of control with this, and tonight I was reminded of this in my devotional. It was talking about faith and what that word means. I have to let go and that is easier said than done. But when I prayed tonight it was one of those prayers where I just sighed afterwards. A weight has lifted off and one that I need to remember I don't have to carry. I don't have to carry the worry, the fear, or the anxiety. I need to give it up.

Finally, looking toward the future I have hope that we will be in a place that is good for us. A place that will bring us together. We have spent so much time apart since being married and I am ready to have my family together again.

P.S. finally finally, being a mom of a toddler is beyond hard. It doesn't so much make me cry (i have a hard time crying over big stuff, I cry over little stuff like romantic movies or those puppy adoption commercials) but it makes me question myself as a mother, am I really cut out for this? It's hard. Any words of encouragement or scripture is welcome at this moment, because I am not alone and I need to reach out more!

Alright, that is all :)